Zanthera Degore

Wow did I miss something?

2012-01-04T10:24:00.000-05:00

OK first what happened to blogger?? Kind of lost actually.

Second, welcome to the New Year! 2012 shall bring much into light. I just have one of those "feelings."

I find myself going into the new year with feelings of catching up and not necessarily moving on but being with the present. Focus isn't a big issue this time around because it is coming on it's own. It's like I have to get my butt from the past and my head slightly back to the present.

Goals from past still will be honoured just filtered and honed for more efficiency. My reading pile is being tackled today. The occult studies look like they have been on hold due to absolute dryness that is in medieval scripts and books. Those PDFs have flown out the door except for translation from Eliphas Lévi. He still catches my attention. Appears occult studying will be back on track along with all the brain candy that has infiltrated my head. The modern issues are truly wetting my appetite.

A big goal of weight management will be put on back burner. Being in the health industry you get to hear about many articles going around. Acceptance of size is being more tolerated as doctors are seeing healthy big people more and more. It is almost okay to be big just hard to prove you are healthy. Big boned is part of my make-up and majority of people pick that up. I am not lazy and that is noticed as well. Blood work is always normal and matters of eating are just proportionally out of whack not contents. Tasting food is an adventure just some foods have more influence over my share of indulgence.

There are things picked up in others that I see in myself and loath with a passion. I see this and am trying so hard not to repeat it. Like talking about myself and always having to explain everything with my logic. This has been going on for years and is so hard to do... like this post is starting to look like. That noise you hear is my head hitting the desk. No worries I am fine.

Writing and creating will be a big focus this year. It is who I am and can not lose myself in the day to day habit I have perfected. I am not much for routine for it dulls me out. Old friends have become new again and life has picked up. They may not know it but it means a lot to me.

I wish that the powers that may be grant me the capability to keep my ass in the past enough to not repeat the same mistakes but let me make new ones. To keep looking into the future just enough to make things happen and not be over whelmed why I don't have everything I want right now or worried will I be alright. I am here now.

This year is a year of new beginnings. Unlike the lunatics who believe the world is going to end I see it as the death card. We are going to accept things have died and new ways will be welcomed on a big scale.

I just wished hand writing wasn't dying.

What is on your plate this year?

Some times old is new again

2011-10-29T18:26:00.001-04:00

The drive home every morning.

Today 8 years of catching up in 6 hours has taken a toll on my sleep time but it has shown me there is much more I can do with my time than just eat, sleep, and work.

Sleep has truly been an excuse to ignore my boring life. I have no trouble staying up when there is something to stimulate me. When I sleep 20 hours straight you know I have hit rock bottom on the entertainment scale.

What have I brought up from the past that has got me going again? Would you believe DMing for Dungeon and Dragons campaign? The old gang form 8 years ago. Damn they have a lot to tell me about what has happened in past 8 years. Me on the other had just my mother stalking me, my sister in law somewhat back in the picture, and in laws and their drama.

Me, 40 minutes of story, them, 12 hours collectively so far. I am so pathetic.

Tattooless... Again

2011-08-30T17:42:00.000-04:00

If you don't follow my Tumblr this is a pic of the first page of my tattoo journal. It was to be for this September's hunt for a tattoo artist a la lazy style. Montreal has an annual tattoo festival where tattoo artists gather from all over the world to show their works, hold contests, and have a burlesque show. Going here meant I wouldn't have to travel all over Montreal and the province to find someone.

When the financial times are better the hunt will be on. I so under estimated this September's bills and extra fees to pay. How off could I be? I have a list that puts me oh roughly an extra 400$ to 500$ in bills and fees. Basically my birthday money.

To start off this problem is my daughter's school fees. I figured 80$-100$ school fee plus maybe another 100$-150$ in uniforms. Ha! Fooled me bad there, 225$ for school fees plus 350$ in uniforms.

Next on list is the fabulous driver's license which I totally forgot about which is 86$ for being a good driver. Bad drivers pay almost three times that.

That wonderful BBQ I went to in July cost me 14$ in bridge tolls later sent to me by mail.

Add another 52$ parking ticket to which I mangle my foot for stepping into a nasty pot hole while staring at it in my window. I swear it was Tuesday not Monday. A draw back to working nights is that you often forget which day it is. Remember last year I mangled my toe preventing me to go to the convention?

It is also time to restock the pantry with flour and all other fun baking items that I do 3 times a year. Need new tupperware for school meals, styling lunch bag, and storage. A definite extra 75$ there.

I could go on with a couple more items but I think you get the idea. Besides why do I need to have my first tattoo a part of my birthday rite?

The Fine Line

2011-08-11T09:49:00.003-04:00

There is this fine line between sane and psychotic. It is totally amazing and wish I could stick around and just watch these people teetering on the edge of insanity.

They see things we do not.

My patient last night told my PAB that she is a neat freak and should take care of sister. PAB was upset and heard wrong but I told her a more acceptable version to which made the lady just plain crazy. I had to the Christian PAB as accepting of other faiths she isn't too interested in hearing the occult and psychic awareness of events. The patient could have not been any more right about the PAB and her personal situation. To me she said something else once she got me somewhere private.

"I'm gonna hex you!"

I giggled and replied "I'll just hex you back." She in return smiled a wicked little grin and went back to her constant mumbling to no one in particular.

Her hex was to give me more patients like her who talk more than move and get things done when I am ~~dying from her foul smelling UTI she soiled herself with~~ pressured for time. She was just a demented lady going insane from infection.

A real active psychotic lady on psych ward once gave my partner at the time a cold shiver down her spine. I was reading a book about the Catholic church and the grimoire they used. My partner is Catholic and really likes to test me on my belief on the occult.

"I have seen too many coincidences not to believe in them and say "magic" does exist in one way or another." I always explained to her but yet she still would test me. One night I am deep in my book and she comes in saying our active one is restless and requesting sleep aid. I close my book and ask her how she is with her. She says cooperative and calm otherwise. I told her I am coming and should have some fun. I let partner go in first to let patient focus on her while I enter. As partner says she is calm talking with her. The moment she lays eyes on me it's another story.

"YOU BELIEVE in magic!!! And I don't fucken mean David Copperfield either!! You magic believe!!" I shrug my shoulders and look at the total blank stare my partner has for me and grin ear to ear. I had never talked to this patient ever. I leave the room and I can hear her tell my partner that she has something to do with magic. I don't think we talked much about belief from then on.

Magic depends a lot on perception. Keep believing in the boogey man and you may just see a fairy.

Sunday Check-In

2011-08-07T20:04:00.000-04:00

Sunday is a better day then none I guess.

Diet wise it looks pretty good. Even without the exercise this time. A week of calorie counting and 3 days of 2 litres of Lemon water a day to counter the acid in body I have lost 4kg. Dipstick showed I was off scale in acidity in body. In June exercise and calorie counting ended up 6kg the first week and drastically plateauing on third week for 3 weeks and totally getting discouraged. Gained it back in no time too. Maybe this way slower and surer will do.

Writing wise? Thinking of doing pen and paper outside of home and take the chance of tweaking it too much or too little. It's progress that I am not doing.

Up top there is a page containing meters for weight loss and word count for outside of Sunday Check-Ins updating. It's Babble which I can do all too well sometimes.

Who me?

2011-08-06T19:09:00.000-04:00

As a famous Schulz said "I love mankind, it's people I hate," I would like to state that I am pretty much the same. The majority of people can get under my skin but have a heart for mankind. It makes an odd nurse.

It has been brought to my attention that on that note I have been called "a loner" here and there. For some reason it kind of hurts every time I hear it mentioned. I like being with people I just don't get it when people think I am a loner cause I don't like to obsess about socializing. Makes an awesome writer from what writers have told me when I ask about what a writer's life is like.

Writing career for me is difficult to get started because I can't find my "place." My dog has more attention span than I do at home. I am too nosy of family doings to keep my nose in my computer. Pen and paper is good but the thought of having to transfer it again onto computer when I get home is daunting. The probability of ending up with a totally different story, better or worse, is high. I can write on work computer but the transferring from old, very old versions of anything that writes is more unnecessary editing and formatting.

How did you find your writing nook?

I think Vegetarians Have Something Going on

2011-08-03T18:38:00.000-04:00

But alas I will not give up meat all together. Men you may want to avert your ears/eyes form this post. Contains some gruesome feminine talk.

Health issues mostly concerning monthly regularity which I never had since I became, ugh dare I say, woman. Started at age 15 and have been on Birth Control on and off since 16 when after a year it would not regulate. I am off the pill for over a year now and am back to old self of being irregular. I have had tons of negative biopsies and when overweight told to loose weight or go back on pills. Pills make me very depressed as a side effect. I like being happy. I was irregular when I was at a healthy weight as well. My analytic Virgo mind and nursing experience told me must be diet but what aspect?

That stupid sewing needle I had removed surgically out of my foot at age seven was my start. It was removed in tiny little bits as if acid had torn it apart. It was barely in my foot 24 hours. I can't wear much jewellery and that some say my blood acidity is too high was something to confirm looking pH levels in the body. All I can say is "Wow." Long study short a lot of my little physical annoyances have to do with pH levels. Menstruation irregularity and hormone levels my major complaint was included along with dry eyes, thin nails, mood swings especial depressed fits, and difficulty losing weight due to fat protecting body from acid.

Solution if it may be that is to cut down meats, processed food, wheat products, and high fat dairy. Here is where vegetarians have something going on. Cut down on meat yes, no meat a definite "no way." It is also a reason for high female births since acidity kills of male sperm. My family generation is 7 to 1 female to male ratio. My family teaches us to have ½ a cow and a whole pig in our deep freezers every 6 months. I am glad I didn't take on that habit. High acidity also makes one more susceptible to infections and may be why I always have a high white count in blood tests.

Yes it all sounds like the whole eat healthy gig I have been trying to do but there are some tricky healthy foods that do not help acidity at all like blueberries. Tonight at work I shall pee on a stick and see if my acid levels are too high. If so more tweaking to my goal of healthy eating and grocery list.

Past Lives

2011-08-02T20:18:00.000-04:00

A favourite subject of mine to ponder over. Too many coincidences to not know there must be past lives. The time my mother paid 75$ to get a reading about a child of hers who she could not figure out who it was is probably the biggest hint I got. I swear she only knew my sister as her only child. That and dreams haunting me as a child till I figured out they look a lot like DaVinci era.

The tarot reader told her that this child had been many big name scientist in their past lives and this time around the child wants a break from it all. My sister is into sciences so it could not have been her. Duh! Hello?!? Me over here. I was in college in Fine Arts & Communications at the time who could calculate Trigonometry equations in a split second. My mind is wired really badly. Mind you don't ask me to do one now because I have forgotten what math is like.

My present state of mind is yearning for a simple life on a small farm with a few animals, hen house, and huge garden to preserve for winter months and is also homesick for science of high calibre and watching brainy people do extremely complicated equations on a black board turns me on. Go figure.

Any other "old souls" out there with little nuances of past lives lingering? Yes I am fishing confirmation that I am not plain ole' crazy. I admit it shamelessly.

Hate is a Big Word

2011-07-25T17:11:00.001-04:00

I don't like saying it but sometimes I have to get it out. Yes it is good to be kind and if not to not say a word. Well I believe in balance and if there is like there has to be some hate.

Here goes,

I so hate extreme weather and this bull shit humidity is killing me. "Weather will be 38 degrees Celsius though in reality it will feel like 46 degrees Celsius because you live on an island. Fuck island analysis, "island people" don't like our weather.
I hate condoms and swore to never use them again. They smell so bad, loose sensation on both sides, and only thing good about them is the clean up afterwards. Sorry I said something nice.
Hypocrits. I am one and don't deny it it is just when I see others do it I get more upset at myself. I make no sense.
People who don't try something new and say they hate it.
My in-laws 90% of the time.
Cartoons and majority of drama filled reality TV.
Waves of head ache, faint and dizzy at times, insta-cat naps, sore boobs...

Hmm I think #2 may have something to do with it but how could I? My cycle is as screwed up as it was when I started having one. Figures when you stop trying but I should not say anything yet.

At least I have a "fun" positive outlook of it all if anything but that name incident kind of tells me something too. Perhaps that will be another story.

EDIT the next day: Nope just my third cycle of the month. If you listen carefully you can here the loud sigh.

I fell hard

2011-06-07T18:11:00.001-04:00

For the smart phone. I always said there wasn't any use to have one but now that I do I don't regret getting one.

Thanks to the hubby for wanting a cell phone. I don't mind contracts just give me good customer service. Rogers is not doing so hot so far for that but the phone I have there is compensation. Yes I know went for a cell phone and ended up with 2 smart phones.

If you know me I am Apple resistant. They were horrible people when I had an iPod and will never go to them ever again. So I looked for an Android and got his little pretty thing to the left. Samsung Galaxy S Captivate. It gives iPhone4 a run for its money.

I am writing about this because I have to say it goes against all that I have read about multitasking and my personal beliefs. It doesn't really reduce mental capabilities because I was already there and its not just a social thing.

I have gained quite a bit from it even lost 14lbs in 2 weeks. With getting older and losing memory or more aptly getting lazy to remember things this device reminds me to exercise regularly (yet this horse doesn't always drink,) keeps me more aware of what I am eating, tells me to write something, and lets me be more creative with photos and sharing them more easily. Heck it has helped me find my daughter in a strange land with GPS mode.

It's a pocket full of motivation.

Poe can settle back in his grave.

2011-02-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

This post was to be written in the prose of E.A. Poe's "The Raven." After reading the poem to myself I decided there is no way I could do the poem any justice and would most likely hurt it real bad so plain ole story format it is. At least there are a few pics to go along.

~*~*~*~*~*~

New clock added to station

So the story starts out one cold sunny morning but not too cold your nostril hairs would be frozen to your nares. The sun is rising and for some reason I am having absolutely no trouble finding any energy to face this wintry morning after a huge snow fall. I decide that there is too much snow to be going out at just the right time to avoid being delayed by the removal of all the snow. Damn it, half an hour too early when the buss leaves at 07:45.

What am I doing at this godly hour on my one little night off during the week? I am going to Ormstown to get my hair done by a friend I haven' seen for ages. Ages meaning since 1993. The only one I feel I can trust when they say they can do layers for my hair. Wait a minute I was her hair model in her hair school so she has an idea what kind of hair I have. She was also excited and much I was since the colours I wanted were wild and fun to play with. Black and plum. The appointment was for 10:00.

See? Greeness of glasses

Bus ride went well and arrived an hour early into Ormstown. I decided to go to the little diner that I had went every weekend for a poutine way back in 1992, that last time I went. This place did not change one bit! I mean things were way more yellow looking and prices were much higher but man it was all the same. I settled in and made my order and once I could hear the music I was floored. "Best of Times" by Styx played. Damn it I so did not want to think of the person who I usually ate here with pretty much very weekend. The biggest asshole of my life. Styx was his big thing back then. Don't get me wrong I love Styx but not there. 09:30 and I decide it is time to leave with it getting full and sure that they want their business.

View from Salon Window

I arrive at the salon and had not trouble hanging out there till my appointment. We had fun catching up on good old days and talking about the 20th reunion coming up. Oh and how small the world is was topic of talk as well. Didn't get a set but then again my hair has pretty much been wash and go type. No need to ask for a tiny spritz of hairspray to keep hair out of eyes.

Curse of Double Chin.

Ate lunch at the remodelled place, well remodelled as far as I know having worked there for free meals when things were hectic. I always over stuffed my subs I took home. We settled in and made an order. Could my past haunt me any more? "One Night in Bangkok" on the radio here... the song the greatest asshole had for the chess club. I don't think the music changed either in this area.

Bus back was purple

We said our good byes and I headed out to the place you could see as an excuse for a mall and check out what was there. Meh just a bunch of angry old French people working there. What happened to all the English people I remember this place for being so populated with? They were the resident weirdos asking me about their choice of lottery ticket selection or what ever else they could think of. Did I mention yet how small town folk could talk about weather non stop? I decided with all the people rushing in as if 14:45 was quitting time I was going to hang out at the bus shelter even if it is like an hour long wait. Who drives past me? I swear the biggest asshole of my life.

Ormstown is off my list as country living options. I want to live in country but hang out in the city. Ormstown is too far anyways.

Wow.. and I don't mean World of Warcraft.

2011-02-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

Been thinking should I stay in nursing. Then I have been thinking of key chains the past two days. I look at my mail and one envelope from a church of St Therese of Little Flower. I open to shred all my personalized stamps and lo and behold a key chain with my name on it... Patron saint of sick people.

True story.

To Review or not To

2011-01-29T08:13:00.001-05:00

Part III of a discussion at Stacia Kane's blog got me wondering how in the world of novels how can one really review a book? Novels unlike movies are really subjective. Let me put it in a foodie perspective.

Most novels are like Indian or Japanese cooking. If you are not from there you may or may not like the stuff according to your preference and likes. You like spicy pungent or seafood noodle gorged food you will order what you like. Someday you'll want to try French cooking and after trying it you will make your subjective view of whether you will ever eat it again.

Sometimes the only option is to order is pizza and everyone loves pizza (I know quite a few people who could care less about pizza) unless you dig through that drawer full of restaurant pamphlets at work to get to that spicy sweet oh so heavenly Thai place around the corner.

You like the novel or you don't. Does the style get your reading mojo in motion or are you feeling like you have to drag yourself through each page? As one of the commenters hit the notion on the head is how do you review a book you could not finish? It isn't fair at all. When I look for a book I look at how many 5 stars, 4 stars, etc they have gotten and could care less about the review. Well ok not so true for cook books. I do read the reviews, they are more of a technical sort.

Where do movies fit in all this? They are booze. Everyone's willing to down the shit even when it tastes like turpentine to get a good buzz. Trailers have become so deceiving these days.

Astrology, it's "funny"

2010-12-20T06:10:00.000-05:00

In a strange way it comes around when it needs to via your stumbling across it or someone brings it up who usually doesn't.

This month, on December 21, we will see the first eclipse in a new family of signs, Gemini-Sagittarius, and this first eclipse will be a difficult one. It will fall in your house of career, reputation, and status, and it will highlight your career and your position in your industry. Being a full moon, something career-related is ending. It might or might not be your job.

A woman VIP may leave (lunar eclipses are usually linked to a female), and you may be shocked when it happens, as this person is someone you liked. Or, you may see a very volatile situation arise that would affect your professional standing. Coming so close to the holiday, this will be a tough eclipse for everybody (not only Virgo). This full moon eclipse will be given greater strength by falling directly on the solstice, considered a highly important nodal point. Any time an eclipse falls on the solstice, you can double its power. We have not had an eclipse on a solstice since 2001.

I usually like to check horoscopes after they happen (I know defeats the purpose) and see how well they fit. I'd say 30% of it fits when looking at a monthly view. It's hard to get an idea from daily horoscopes. If you are following me on FaceBook you'll see why I am bringing this up. If not big clue.

When Lost

2010-12-01T10:00:00.001-05:00

What do you do to find a path or focus of some sort?

I head to my quotes collection and see my mentors words that help me steer when lost. My biggest fandom are Albert Einstien and Friedrich Nietzsche. I have quite a hodgepodge mix of people to look up to for words of guidance but these two take the cake. Collection of quotes is here.

A philosopher and scientist. I look for balance with chaos. Dark and light, sweet and salty, and etc. How can you know one without the other? You wouldn't know what is good without knowing some evil. Between these two and their words of intelligence I feel found again. I make some decisions and breath a great big sigh or relief.

Now with all this brainy stuff I have to learn to feel and accept I have "feely" parts as well and need to tend to them.

I am not Spock!!! No one can be.

All brains and thinking make a very broken person I can tell you that. I am glad I can realise all this but damn its hard to fix it. I know what to do and have made the ultimate deadline for it too.

Deadline at the right.

I have to ask

2010-11-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

Why do people go Vegan and then come up with something like this:

"T.G.I. Friday's Jack Sesame Chicken - Make at Home Vegan"

?!?!?!?

They vegan or not? Do they feel at least guilty they can not live without the taste of meat? You eat it or you don't. This seitan stuff is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard and so processed you poor vegans might as well eat meat. All that wheat gluten must be wreaking havoc on stomachs, bread is already hard enough to digest as it is.

The Wrong Way

2010-11-17T13:08:00.004-05:00

I have been thinking about it and I think I have been going about it the wrong way. I write but I feel best writing first on paper then type it out adding the more scrumptious details and over looked aspects. I can't do Nanowrino. It is not the "Holy Grail of proverbial kicks in the butt."

A blog post from an author I stalk gave a small look into what a lot of authors don't want to talk about when it comes to Nanowrimo. She had nothing to say against or for it but gave a good dose of reality. Then I did some of my own research into simply how long it takes for a piece of writing goes. Answer is how long it takes me but I still like deadlines to aim for. Taking 3-4 months to write a first draft sounds better. Researching more about how a novel is produced and what is included in steps would be helpful too.

I feel so much better and more courageous about facing my fear of failing myself. I just hated that I wasted so much time waiting for Nano.

In the Clear

2010-11-03T08:21:00.001-04:00

As of this moment that is. As my hubby would say "apparently so" that I need a full night sleep to get over work. I am literally dying for vacation. I'm too empathic to be a nurse. Everyone's misery is mine weather I want to or not and all the grounding can not help me much any more.

I need to be in the land of the living.

I couldn't bring myself to write a single word yesterday. I just played some sort of game that involved killing to vent some frustration and despair. Well that and some online shopping and a long awaited for "realm transfer" helped too. I can be such a girly-girl sometimes.

On that note as I wait for one of two last deliveries I shall transfer that document and head on over to my laptop and write my little heart away.

Oh and for little outburst with photos and few word in a neat micro blogging way you can find me here.

Nano on the brains but...

2010-11-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

The past two weeks have been hell in the sleep department. I haven't been able to get more than 4 hours of sleep at a time and most of the time if I do sleep it is like only 2 hours of sleep here and there in the day. I love having everyone at school but sleeping arrangements are hard to adapt to when I have been doing them one way for so long. Have no fear I will write but meeting that daily quota won't been for a while. I just want to focus on getting proper sleep to think well.

As it is now I am writing this post from work through my email. They have cracked down on Internet use that barely anything is accessible and the majority of it is for only the night shift. I often get the message that "This type of website will resume accessibility at 8 am." It leaves me with my email and thesaurus.com. Writing is pen and paper for now and hopefully a chance to transfer to type when I get home by me or someone else willing to do it for me.

I am 80% set up with the laptop being formatted and Office 2007 reinstalled. I just have to transfer the multi file Word document from the desktop, redo cover picture, and insert Nanowrimo goodies in the side bar. So far about 500 words on paper are done which need to be typed out. I am so hyped in a very fatigued and flustered way if that is even possible to say.

My major number one and only rule this year is that mother in law does not exist. I realise after being 4 years into Nanowrimo and looking at yearly stats in my profile is that she is really good at ruining my mojo with her anual pity party. You se it is her birthday in December and she gets very depressed and dumps everything onto us. Looking at Nanowrimo last year and that I hadn't even written one word reminds me of how we had to avoid calling the police on her story of her husband getting violent and trying to kill her. This year she has started early and I was able to see this pattern being not totally pissed off she is keeping me off my grove for writing. She started with her pity party earlier last week with suicidal ideations. Don't worry I won't go into details. I have not done so before and will not start doing so. I just need this much off my chest.

November 6th to November 14 I am on vacation and I will be living the life of a writer. My days will be attached to my laptop and a cup of tea hopefully mimicing the routine I am stalking from Stacia Kane and Caitlin Kittredge on Twitter. I am hoping 5000 per day word counts during this time. I will have all day so it should be a snap.

Writing Fail

2010-10-27T10:51:00.000-04:00

I decided that a great way to over come my writer's block in creating my plot line was to complete my character cue cards. I was doing good until I came across one of the "side-kick" sort of gal I wanted to come from some warm southern state. Oh I found a place easy, Athens, Georgia.

*insert* SQUIRREL! quote from "UP!"

I now know where the first 3 road trips I will be taking through the States will be. Never got back to my plot line last night.

Old belief Make-Over

2010-10-19T17:27:00.000-04:00

Old Belief - Universe sends proverbial kicks in the arse and it is up to you "to see" them and do something about them.

New Belief - Universe gives out proverbial kicks in the arse till you do something about it and my proverbial arse hurts.

Ouch!

2010-09-28T02:47:00.000-04:00

The major reason why I don't blog is that I most likely had a bad night to a point which I am afraid to say anything in fear of losing my license. I may not like being a nurse but heck I have bills to pay like everyone else.

Confidentiality can be a fickle lady. I make sure I am not too emotional before I blog or do status updates. I know I can say stupid things. If I can't be calm I don't blog. You won't find me apologising either. I have smart readers who know there is a life beyond blogging for most.

Looking back September was a horrible month. Most work related but also to crappy disappointment of my birthday. During mat leave and culinary school you won't be able to shut me up! Yup extending second mat without pay to go back to school. Hopefully hubby will be working then and all will be awesome.

Birthdays

2010-09-20T02:47:00.000-04:00

What I want to say is that your birthday is not something you should plan for yourself. Let someone else do it or it will just bring you misery.

I never did anything for my birthday and decided since I don't tell everyone when my birthday is I should just take a birthday and invite people as my treat to a night out on town. I mean I had the money and everything but lo and behold, the bigger the effort the bigger the misery.

Bring in 9/11. They ditched me in fear of family in New York. Ya I am selfish and hate that day.

That ruined my first attempt at my own birthday bash. OK so my birthday is 9/10 but close enough. I did nothing and told no one since then in hopes that may one day someone who know will at least say "Happy Birthday!" and take me out.

Nothing.

So this year my misery of having my weekend changed at work now frees my birthday weekend. That also gives me the International Tattoo Convention weekend as well here in Montreal. Yay! I thought, I will have some fun for my birthday and am only planning it for myself. Not gonna make a big deal out of it. Finally get my tattoo done and see more.

Not.

Where do I begin on how my birthday sucked this year. First on the 8th I mangle my toe to the point it was dislocated a couple of times and had to spend the weekend with my foot up. By the end of the day it felt like bags of water hanging at the end of my legs. No walking around a convention all day for me.

Bring in "Aunt Flo" with a vengeance only being a week late to arrive on my birthday with emotions all over the place. With that being established have the hubby and kid sing "Happy Birthday!" for the first time ever in the morning. Ya was a sappy suck balling her eyes out.

I decide to go to bed early and get woken up with a text saying I should have lots of sex that day...*ugh*

So has anyone else planned their own birthday successfully or have you a tale of woe to tell?

I like it!

2010-09-01T18:19:00.000-04:00

Birthday Month concept. You have all month to think of something to gift. I'll even take a well thought out FaceBook wall posting. No worries about late fees or feeling awkward for being too early.

I have to thank @CaitKitt for the awesome idea. She is so stalkable.

P.S. Best gift ideas would be Kitchen Aid Stand mixer, 12 cup min food processor of a reliable name not from Walmart, and a book or other wise from my many catagorised wish lists at Amazon.ca.

No pressure.

Finally!

2010-08-23T03:16:00.000-04:00

CC-Antics

The blog the hubster and I have gotten together. Still trying to go somewhere with the look but some writing has been done. Well mostly by him. Today is my first posting there.

It's all about our intentional and not so intentional humorous antics. If the lady at the local grocery store could blog about us I am sure she would have some stories that we have forgotten. We always seem to make her laugh even when I argue with hubby at the cash.

Mars vs. Venus

2010-08-22T04:21:00.000-04:00

Of all things that make me go "Hmm..." it had to be a suicide on the Metro. I was in the front car that hit the helpless guy (suicide, drunk, murder, etc) and after ten minutes of a guy yelling at us to get out of the station and getting really furious that we weren't listening to him a third Metro guy got some brains.

We couldn't leave our car due to being locked in.

I understand the first Metro guy being the driver and all sitting there with someone making sure he wouldn't do something stupid has reason not to being able to think. Heck he was catatonic. The second dude? He would have been more of "beet red" than "tomato red" if the third Metro guy hadn't noticed we were locked in our car. Glad I am not the only one who loses a few brains cells in tragic emergencies.

In those ten minutes we were able to see the horror of the people looking in front of our car. We had no windows to see but the one person trying very hard not to vomit said enough for me. There was a lot of screaming from people on the Metro going the other way and noise coming from the "car in front." I only later on realised I was in the front car and it was the driver having a panic attack hitting everything in his cabin making it sound like everyone was tossed about from the emergency braking.

Stepping out of the car through the inter car "mini door" (don't think that guy with the huge mountain bike got out very quickly) and closer to the site we were yelled at once again to get out. I smelled fresh blood drying and avoided trying to get a look while the Emo boys I was with threw a fit they couldn't see what was going on. I went straight up only to find I just missed the bus I needed to get on my way to work. So called hubby and told him the fun I was having and then told work I was going to be late.

Damn me for trying to leave early to get some time to myself and eat something without feeling rushed I may miss the bus. I ended up being half an hour late.

Great, I had time to think till the next bus. I deal with a lot of suicide people and I know well that was a guy that jumped in front (if it were suicide.) Guys like a big bang when they kill themselves like guns, jumping off cliffs, and of course Metro trains. Women like the more gentle approach like over dosing on sleeping pills, hangings, and slicing of wrists.

Arriving on assigned unit I continue thinking along the lines of men vs. women in general, the whole feminist movement. We are not equal. I am women and feminists drive me insane. There are women jobs and their are men jobs. Male nurses are odd and women who do construction work (or any very physical work) have too much penis envy. The sphere to which there is need for equality and respect is that of stature. If we choose not to be in our natural role as a mother taking care of the hearth and home that we can be independent and supporting ourselves in womanly careers without judgement. Women should also stay out of politics and law. "Big red buttons" are not a good substitute for "Rocky Road" ice cream when we are moody. Besides behind every great man was a greater woman keeping him in check and open to all options.

There is no shame in having a great strong man taking care of you and perhaps the brood. There is no shame in wanting to be an independant working woman/mother. We are not possesions to be had and abused but to be respected equally. Men and women are complimented team players.

This all goes along with people telling me not to be so stressed out while trying to get pregnant. Women who are to be mothers shouldn't really be working. Well working a job that is stressful. Nurses are one of the hardest careers to get pregnant.

Helping me stay relaxed I write and research. I have been doing some name searching. Need some thumbs up or down on some choices. I even let hubby have a certain old Scottish name even though he hasn't chosen it. No way I am going with Angus, that just makes my mouth water at the imagry of a thick juicy steak. I have been working on this name list for a couple of weeks now and has nothing to do with the Metro accident.

Did I ever tell you?

2010-08-18T15:07:00.002-04:00

OK so it has been over a month now and I can laugh about it. Back then I was furious and almost ashamed of myself. Then again who does he think he is Superman jumping out from behind a phone booth to catch people jaywalking?

Yes people, I got caught jaywalking and was given a ticket. A 37$ ticket for going across an intersection on a red light... on foot. It was a quiet corner due to construction reducing four lanes down to one lane and no traffic. These cops have no class. This was piss off point number one.

Piss off point number two was after Supercop from behind the phone booth sent a bunch of us to his buddies in two cruisers taping the scene I had noticed one of the other guilty people. Not the heavily tattoo guy who looked like he was still drunk from the party last night but the old guy who must have been in his 80's. I am still on my cell phone with the hubby and as I am telling him I am getting a ticket from the cops and him not really believing me I see the exchange of ID's between the old guy and the other cruiser across from me.

Our calm conversation went from,

"I am not kidding you! I am getting a fucking ticket for jaywalking!!"
"You can't be serious?!"
"I am not.."

To yelling out right... about... now.

"Oh my fucking gawd!! These fucking morons are giving a ticket to an old guy!! Don't they know they are probably taking the food right out of his mouth for a week!?!"

Yes I called the policemen fucking morons to their face. My hubby went silent most likely due to not being able to hear out of one ear and had no clue what I mumbled next. You see at this point the Lady Cop in the cruiser beside me looked a little disgusted at my reaction and didn't say a word but Supercop who was standing between me and the phone booth panicked.

He quickly froze on the spot and went bug eyed staring at me and had his hand on his pepper spray. I guess they don't let police have guns when doing "Operation Pietons." Yeah Lady Cop explained to me they are doing "Operation Pedestrian" on a ninety percent reduced traffic corner. I then glared at him and mumbled something along the lines of,

"Go right ahead you mother fucker and pepper spray me cause heavens forbid you ever tick off a nurse who just finished a night shift dealing with psychotic demented patients that would go worse than postal on your ass then go American and sue your ass on top of an ass kicking!!!"

Lady Cop handed me the ticket and I went storming off to the bus stop.

You know I don't think that would have went well if I were not still half dressed in scrubs and across the street from the hospital I work in.

Randomness Exploited

2010-08-17T10:33:00.001-04:00

First thank you blogger for finally getting a real blog designing tool. I can easily change look depending on my mood. Well seasonal mood that it.

Now for the dreaded bullets of doom of where my mind has gone since last post yet can not focus enough to make a subject into a post in entirety.

Need to remember play on words can be dangerous. It can lead to your hubby taking shots on your Facebook.
Making my own condiments to limit use of processed ingredients. Anyone know of a good ketchup recipe?
My heart is too big and I think I may have gotten myself into an unofficial binding contract.
Stop buying pens and do some writing. OSA - Office Supplies Anon. needed. School season is afoot and I see lot more buying coming.
More plots for more books but where is the writing? Brainstorming and problem solving my biggest assets. Finishing projects...ow.
Once a plumbing problem rears it's ugly head all of it's cousins and aunts and uncles decide to join the party.

There now I can move on... for now.

My Criteria

2010-08-05T17:07:00.003-04:00

For my dream house. I don't think it is much to ask for. Very general and I am no that fussy. Heck I could leave out a detail or two if I get the main points.

Most important is I don't want neighbours. Well more precisely I don't want neighbours to hear me. At times I like to be loud and have fun and don't need neighbourly nosiness. So onto the evil bulleted list.

Main Points I Cannot live Without

No Neighbours as said above. Some acreage would be perfect.
Large open kitchen. I love to cook and need counter space.
Old house. I think those newly made ones feel so hollow and empty. I like a cozy feel to my home.
3 or more bedrooms.
No more than an hour drive to work.
Root cellaring /option (I don't mind making it)
Far from road.
Covered porch.
For the hubby, forested area

Brownie Points to Realtor

Kitchen Island.
Old shed for converting to chicken coop.
Small barn.
Wrap around porch
For the kid, in ground pool
Conservatory.

It's not that bad is it? I am not into flipping, I want a home to call my own.

I have it but I don't.

2010-08-04T02:42:00.000-04:00

I have the plot line. I have the character make-ups. I know who is what but what I don't have is a concept.

The big guys like Black London series has "The Black," Allie Beckstrom series has the "Authorities," and the Holy Ghost series has the "Downside." Me I have just a story and I believe what makes a great novel is the concept of how the world works.

Well with the exception of the hunks from the Lords of the Underworld. Ms. Showalter can pull off words that dance in your head and make you want more of the hot balance of sexual tension and drama. Her world is our world with a bunch of supposedly tormented demon possessed hunks just trying to survive. Excuse me while I go wipe the drool.

I want my own concept and damn it this is all that is holding me back at the moment. The plot isn't much writable until I get the concept that is my own.

Huh?

2010-08-01T07:02:00.001-04:00

So here is my daughter. I adore her to bits. It may come as a surprise to some but I do have a daughter. I don't make her the star of my every moment but that would make me into an annoying "Mommy" blogger. I am a mother and am proud of her. Besides I would be horrified to see myself all over my mother's blog every single day and that the world knew about how I sneezed and ended with a doozy of a booger hanging down to my chin.

I'll talk about uber proud moments, the funny moments, and today its the confusing moment I have with her. You see this girl has come home at times to cry and whine saying "People think I am ugly!" My response was that of you are beautiful just a bum. She will go to school with just putting her hair up in pony tail without brushing it properly and caught her a couple times with drool dried at the corner of her mouth. I suggest to wake up a little earlier and make some effort to look like she cares about herself. Nope, still wakes up in enough time to get dressed and run out the door to get to school without an extra second to spare.

So what does a sneaky mother do? Black mail her into a girly day with mom! Yup she wanted me to get her a 6$ add-on for her PS3 game so as I hate to just give money I had her promise to spend the next day with me. We got out the make up and sun dress. Then of course a photo op moment. That was like pulling teeth out for this sporty minded kid.

"No way mom!"

"You want that add-on?"

"..." (With much attitude)

The next 20 minutes was getting her to relax and not mock my attempts at getting that glamour pose (not shown here) which she was sure she would never be able to nail. She nailed it quite nicely.

I throw it on the computer and fixed it up with a photo editor getting all the "noise" out of it. At this point I am so giddy and such and with much enthusiasm get her over to the screen and showed her she is beautiful. She takes a moment and...

"That's not me."

::thud:: Must be a preteen thing.

It's odd

2010-07-31T17:09:00.000-04:00

The one thing I totally abhorred as a kid, teen and young adult I am now starting to enjoy. Really enjoy.

Romantic Comedies.

I mean I still enjoy most of the Sci-Fi - Fantasy sort yet found myself yawning at action movies. Just saw War with the drool factor Jason Statham (much movie catching up on lately) and basically might have lost interest if it weren't for Jason being in it.

I am trying to figure this one out but at same time am telling myself to just let it go. Even simple romantic movies find themselves on my door step. I do have some integrity and will stop before ever seeing Titanic. That movie scares me the way I have herd people swoon over it when it had came out in theatres.

Come to think of it even horror movies are becoming a bore. Yup It's Complicated.

Walmart phooey!

2010-07-30T16:31:00.001-04:00

Latest thing I have noticed is from Walmart. I can say with certain products the low prices are coming from crappy quality versions. Two examples would be my hairspray and tea.

The hairspray there was insanely chemical smelling to the point your hair would have smelled like a lab fire. Luckily I always spray a tiny amount in the cap to make sure I still like the scent since it changes sometimes. I tested this out by going to PJC and smelled the same one and it smelled wonderful there. May cost about 2$ more but it was worth it. At least I get Airmiles there.

The regular tea I haven't tested yet. I am sure it doesn't fall under the "whole crap load of meds I have been taking for pain since last August" has changed taste buds as well. The meds have just made my stomach and bowels more sensitive to heavy oily foods. Will buy a small box of Tetley on way home this morning. The Twinnings Chai from Metro sure is better than the Walmart one.

Somehow just this has changed my shopping habit there. I spent only 30$ for pet supplies in stead of strolling around ending up with the usual 140$ average spending there.

Zen Mode

2010-07-06T09:16:00.003-04:00

I'm there finally where I haven't been in years. I've stopped the fighting my instincts and urges. Trying to be an ideal that was concocted from who knows where that was anti domestic goddess and got to be part of the bigger scene.

I guess old age kicked in and settled me down into hearth living and magic. How could I be a city girl in the big leagues when down deep and even admitting to enjoying my time in the garden getting dirty and stating that cooking was a magic in itself? I think there was a little influence of not wanting to be like my English hating Grandmother who all she did was cooking and gardening. I even liked redoing lawn chairs like she did.

I feel like I am starting all over but since trying to make a cake for work that would "lift spirits" and even the grumpiest of them all were cracking dirty jokes (Oops! I should have not mention to make light out of all miserly as I do since I can crack a dirty jokes easily) I am hooked into it. I don't regret studying the "big boys" because it has given me much insight into magic.

Hearth Magic

2010-06-21T12:12:00.000-04:00

It's something I have denied myself (I deny myself a lot, what a masochist I am) for many years. I love being at home baking and cooking up a storm to feed others and such. I always took it as a sign I should maybe be a cook and nothing more. I remember saying something along the line of "making something taste so good it dances on your tongue and makes you forget how much you have and that taste matters more." I would much rather a few bites of pure delight than cardboard in large quantities.

Anyhow this is my favourite house for sale at the moment. Lots of character and a fixer upper that would be fun. Looks like a colonial from around 1812 that could be transformed into quasi Victorian style. Easily homestead worthy and more if I want to go there. I have been looking into having a chicken coup even. Too bad right now it is out of my budget. I think I will be doing a lot of work in the "law of attraction" department.

My affirmation and direction came from another blog who seems to have been wanting to play with the big guys of Chaos, IOT, etc and in denial of the hearth. It's so nice to have someone on the same level of sorts as you. Don't get me wrong I am still interested in reading about the big guys but I am going more into the hearth and shamanisms. Why I have been embarrassed about liking Shamanism I don't know.

P.S. I feel so giddy these days.

The Life of an Author

2010-04-28T21:26:00.001-04:00

It's what I have been hooked into. My worries are that I am so into reading about what an author is like in real life than to be one. I spend so much time reading their blogs that I could be writing.

Then again an author's advice is not to just write but read voraciously. This is so true the more I read the more I want to write. It was torture to be told by my doctor that I can't keep my head down or up for too long. Ever try to read a book at almost arms length at neutral head holding? Not comfortable at all and hence forth how I have gotten into reading about author's lives, their fears, worries, joys, triumphs, and lists.

List? Ya that I have gotten but I envy those who can follow them. So far with help from a couple of work buddies last night after confessing my list (indirectly) I am getting an idea of how to look at work as just that, something to pay bills. Oh and screwing them over just to feel better. I am sure that will back fire but meh not caring much. Reading books at work helps too.

Tonight I go through my pile of notebooks I have been collecting but not writing in and use it for novel series ideas. I am sure to get into writing I just can't have one series.

RainyMood.com

2010-04-23T23:13:00.000-04:00

RainyMood.com

A temporary cure till the rainy season comes.

Well it's official. I seek help Monday to change career. I am sure now it's the career slowly destroying me. I am not sure what I want definitely (I want to be so many things) so as my husband is having career counselling I decided to join in to rediscover myself.

Of course there will be a side line of writing as I am now clearing my head of the nasty feelings. My awesome physio guy was right, I am slowly being destroyed by at least staying at my current slave pit.

Country life Overlooked

2010-04-07T21:08:00.001-04:00

Lately I have been yearning to go out to the country even for a ride just to be in the spring rain. Living in Montreal Island is a bummer due to river stopping any real rain coming in. We are lucky if a storm lasts more than 5 minutes here.

I find it funny that in saying so I am going back on my word. I told myself I would never go back to the country after moving to Montreal. Now I realized that it was high school in the country that sucked not country living.

I miss the fresh air, rain and thunderstorms. Awesome laundry "on the line" and fresh veggie and fruits from the good chunk of land one can own out there. Loud music and no one banging on your wall.

A good dose of soothing pitter patter, swoosh even, of rain would be nice right about now.

In a brighter mood

2010-03-30T09:18:00.002-04:00

Been feeling a whole lot better on a holistic level. Cheerier outlook, nasty bad thoughts fuelling my gusto, and know there will be brighter days ahead for me to enjoy.

Circumstance haven't changed much just my attitude.

Getting away from that job may not be something I can do. I have invested in over 5 years of the 10 needed to get the 3rd pension given to health care workers in the public system. I think the only thing that will take me away prematurely will be my dream career of being a writer. Who says I can't make "their" life a living hell in the meanwhile?

Still on the lookout for a car to get the "road trip" bug out of me as well as some sanity from fighting drunks on the bus Friday and Saturday nights. Maybe even more surprises as the year goes along.

Oh and lovin' the Sony Reader. Really as paper like screen that needs light to read.

Absolute Frustration

2010-03-06T18:17:00.001-05:00

Being a gimp. Worst part is feeling all good till your try to do something. Then the pain starts low and grows until you stop doing what ever. I have gained some weight (I think, I must have since I haven't been running around as much,) had way too much time to think, and am very bored.

Yesterday was "take the kid to see her screen boyfriend Johnny Depp," the guy who isn't too old for a 10 year old. I think he is somewhere around 47 is he not? I figured I hadn't hurt all day long and that I should survive the evening.

Not.

I was to take advantage of being out there and get new shoes for kid(s) and upgrade my cell phone (finally!) then off to a nice supper in the food court. Yeah the shoe shopping was like pulling teeth for them to decide which pair if any. The phone upgrade ran into complications while waiting to see if I had good credit. I know they are debating my old debt to them from '94 or cancelling the contract we currently have. Then supper was interrupted by going to the other end of the mall to purchase the tickets early (which was a big blessing.)

I wanted to cry every time I was standing still too long.

So finally we got to sit down and watch the movie and almost called a taxi but as I figured if we could make it to the bus stop and not stand too much I would be OK. Well we got lucky and I didn't even have to stand 5 minutes. Still the bus itself is murder on a spine.

My remedy? Online shopping visit to Amazon.ca today for books even if my spine doesn't allow me to read by tilting my head down for very long. Next finding somewhere to buy a car.

Day 5...

2010-02-16T10:49:00.002-05:00

of being manipulated, rubbed with ultrasound, and electrocuted for physio. Not my kind of vacation but better than working through it. I don't think my doctor thought I was actually having pain still and thought light work would be good for me. I can't even do the dishes without crying in pain and I told him that. I guess I should take my vacation as a blessing just wish work and CSST would give me a break on all the questions and forms and bullshit.

Learn English you fat bitch!! .oO(that felt good)

One agent told me she tried to Google translate my form and for "bed pan" it gave her "haricot" as the French word. After explaining it to her in French what happened I couldn't get it out of my head that Google told her a bed pan was a "waxed bean." I wonder what who else it made a fool out of.

Yesterday I was a miserable baboon to my PT. I wonder if I can convince my hubby to help me bake cookies for another man...um maybe not. I think I will just tell him the story of the bean above and hopefully make him smile.

Best time? Not!

2010-02-12T12:03:00.000-05:00

Plagued by a moment that seems to be the most productive in being creative... the few minutes just before you falls asleep. Of all times do I want to get up and write down all those wonderful ideas? No.

Even if I have the stuff right beside me I still don't want to leave my cozy bed. I guess I have to suck it up one day and do it even if it means trying to decipher an alien language in the morning.

When, where are your most productive creative moments?

Blah!!

2010-02-06T22:55:00.002-05:00

OK so I found this little gem. Ya I am sick of it all as well and I can so wait till the next one...

Twilight Fans Get Punked - watch more funny videos

*EDIT Feb. 7*

I thought about this more and put myself in the authors shoes (since I want to be one one day.) God I would feel embarrassed that these are the people who are reading my books. On the other hand my pockets would be very full. I guess we can't have all that we want. I wonder if this is the kind of outcome of readers the author wanted. I heard it was targeted at a teen audience...

Harry Potter has a great amount of followers but I don't feel as discouraged to read the books it's that I have seen the movies already. I like Harry and his friends and have filled the pockets enough with buying DVDs and seeing one of them at the cinema.

I like walks in the park...

2010-02-01T10:28:00.002-05:00

Ya, saw another post about a Wiccan getting fired after being found out. I can be naive, oh so naive but hey it's fuel for the blog.

You see I am curious about EVERYTHING occult, spiritual, mystical, witchy, and paranormal (with much scepticism though on the paranormal.) I take it all in, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I'll look into the darkest corners, the taboos, and even chat with pious preachers and priests of the local churches. I try to get information either factual from leaders (books mostly) or personal with followers (like the Muslims at work.) The Internet is interesting but I take it lightly, very lightly these days.

What I believe (searching a label for for many years now) is a hodge-podge of things gathered from personal experience and teaching from my elders.

My choice icon of spiritual focus is the pentacle. In it I believe that fire heats our bodies, the water flows through us, air ignites our thought, earth supports our form, and spirit makes us who we are. A very holistic part of me. My Libra Mercurial aspect likes to take all sides of the matter and be fair but on the other hand it makes for horrible times deciding what name I take for a WoW toon.

Karma like notions are so a part of me. Not necessarily the "Law of Threefold" but I strongly believe that people will get what they truly deserve back. I do not mess with fate and death. Revenge isn't what I do, watching for "Karma" is and to see it kick ass is so sweet!

The god thing? Well I have something about that too. I can say I fit under "agnostic" mostly. I do believe in something greater and watching us but I can not see it as one "all seeing, all knowing" omnipotent being. "They" say that "Man is made in His image" but why are we doctors, woodworkers, waitresses, lawyers, etc? He did everything! There has to be more than one out there I just can't pinpoint any pantheon.

Other notes of me are I believe in an after world, reincarnation till we "get IT," and think every religion is "right."

There you have it, a chunk of me in a nutshell. Hate me or love me.

In search

2010-01-31T07:59:00.000-05:00

I'm always out there on the net... well OK every so often searching for new resources for writing or spirituality. I came across this "tongue in cheek" sort of video. I find it hilarious but this can be quite subjective.

I know comparing it to the bible isn't nice but it gets you thinking. Not to mention here I am again finding Cthulu references. Must be a sub-conscience sort of thing I am putting myself through.

Injury, construction, and senility oh my!

2010-01-28T08:23:00.000-05:00

Finally gotten over the most of the major pain of torn rotator cuff (in other words I busted my shoulder which felt more like my back.) Now with all this rehab time I am looking into writing.

Lo and behold in my reader... from an author.

A chance indeed, back to work no earlier than Feb. 22. Now if only I can wash the mouth of this foul mouthed Frenchman of a painter...

.oO(Damn! Where are my anti-inflammatories?!? ::grumble:: Only 5 minutes of writing too...)

Does it mean anything?

2010-01-25T08:05:00.000-05:00

I mean it comes down to this. I see that in this day and age marriage means nothing. Divorces are given out like treats to end a misery that probably didn't even last a year. Blogger after blogger I read have just been or are going through a divorce during their blogging days.

Subject of marriage has been nagging me since my gyne appointment. My gyne asked me three times if I had boyfriends even after telling her that I have been married eleven years. Heck she asked in French and English thinking that one language would get me to confess I have boyfriends and the husband. She said a marriage like mine rarely happens these days. I am so not going back to her EVER (she also lost my pap from last year and tried to blame it on me saying I was never at her office that year but I digress from this sloppy professional.)

I see spending time with the girl/guy "buddy" too much, spending less time with family, and other aspects leading to marriage troubles. How do we do it? I don't know. I do know that the blinding uber loving feeling dies away and you have a major friendship with a business on the side. Falling in love happens here and there through the years but being in love all the time isn't a marriage. A major factor needed is respect.

Hey we aren't perfect though. I nag the hell out of him for getting a job which he reacts like a sixteen year old pouting in the corner. He is just very picky and beggars can't be choosy. He does everything else but as I tell him it's not fair being the only adult here. Ah yes communication helps too even if it isn't a positive thing.

I am not trying to be condescending I'm just frustrated and can't relay it very well. Am I fool to try and work things out? I sort of put divorce in the same boat as suicide, the coward way out. Divorce can be a solution but after trying to work things out. Suicide never.

OK I should really shut up now.

Found it!

2010-01-20T04:31:00.029-05:00

A label for myself... Friend Virgin.

I mean look at it this way I approach people with distrust and much caution due to past relations. I hesitate just like someone new to sex and one day finally take the plunge and decide to be friends.

Then after first "performance" I stutter,babble, and become too eager to please and keep the tie. Each rendez-vous I hope I don't make a mistake or fail and in itself making more babble and over eagerness.

The cure for this "virginity?" Many friend makings in a short period of time... or was that called an orgy? An overload of people and fun where there is no chance to over think things... like this post.

(Inspired by Dragon Age for PS3)

Renewal

2010-01-15T07:12:00.002-05:00

I have been filtering out my Delicious bookmarks deleting now useless ones and resorting them out so I can find them better and I have stumbled across many interesting things. Well, uh you know what I mean.

A few of them being...

43 Things - Something I found about 3 years ago to help me focus. I updated it today.
Widgetbox - I have been trying to think of what this place was for a long time and now I found it.
MyBlogLog - Gonna re-look into this one.
Feedjit - When did I find this one? Never remember it like this?!? Looks interesting for later.
All Consuming - Cataloguing ::drool::
Bookwormr - Oh wow...been glued to GoodReads I forgot about this one. Talk about updating to do...
Fantastic Fiction - Where I get some of my wonderful titles I read when Amazon.ca can't find for me.
SMVD - So true this chart. Deleted it from my links but had to let some peeps see it first.
Organic Armor - OK so I won't be shopping here definitely but if I ever end up with some extra money...
Fettish Footwear - The only time I get all girly-girly over footwear.
Zazzle Artist - I am a sucker for a cartoon cow. Thinking of a mug or bag. Ya a little quirk of mine.

I deleted a lot of dead links and community/chat places. Trying to use social sites less. Blogging is my true Internet love and friend finding. I know I have been neglecting it but there is a time for everything.

Now how did I got all these interesting links? I think it was a lot of Stumble Upon. Heck I can't believe some of the links I had. "I-Dose" brain wave fixing? Will reinstall Stumble Upon. They should really add a "Help! I'm drowning in Stumbles!!" button.

Impressed

2010-01-14T13:50:00.000-05:00

Up in the bar above, Blogger thing-a-majig. I guess it's the latest blog seeking randomness. Found people would you believe.

Anyone know of other ways to meet new bloggers? BE doesn't seem to be it anymore.

The Signs

2010-01-02T05:43:00.002-05:00

Part of knowing magic is being able to see it, look for the signs. You can ask the universe for anything but it is not for it to fall on your lap. It is a way to get you in a right frame of mind to get want you want or make change in your life.

Every year I want to practice it more but I have AADD I swear. Every little thing distracts me but I wave it away as I have to pay attention to every little detail in my life. Chalking it up to be a detail oriented Virgo doesn't help.

December signs for the new year I have noticed are winning a GPS from Union X-Mas raffle telling me to really get a car for 2010 and FB apps doing really mean things to me by either being major time sinks or ruining my fun by reverting to last save and taking all my hard earned game cash which tells me to find better things to do. I even brought pads of paper to work to write my novel by hand and have hubby type it out since he has so much time on his hands lately but doing that while I am at work hasn't been so great. People get sicker and I have to pay attention to them. I hate that sign but I choose to ignore it.

I think 2010 is going to be an interesting year and beginning of a new decade.

Getting Older

2009-12-29T14:31:00.000-05:00

There's a time when age pops up and slaps you in the face. Today is one of those days. Gotten too old by doctor's recommendation but that kills the fun. Thought young kids were not patronizing me for once but lo and behold no and they insulted me on top of it. Last time I made one of these was about eight years ago when the urge to go to clubs finally died.

Just gonna let the greys flow in and hit the gym more often.

On Strike!!

2009-12-24T10:37:00.001-05:00

For the holidays that is. No presents, no visiting, no cards. Nil, nada, nothing. Fed up of being unappreciated for what I do and looked over when it comes time for fun. I'm always thinking of others in my life.

No holiday of giving for me.

BUT

I will be bringing in the New Year with food and drink (what else am I supposed to do with a bag full of free lemons and limes??) Come share the feast if you can.

Another end to an dying project... sort of

2009-12-20T10:05:00.000-05:00

Gonna cancel my dot com now. It's gonna hurt but I can't leave a loose end. The guy I was designing a store for never contacted me in over 4 months to finish it and it's a mess... and ugly. I don't like ugly dying projects, dot com and store. I have enough projects in suspension waiting for my attention. Now if only I can get a hold of my addiction to starting a project. I am no where near being an Aries, not even a touch of it in my chart... I think.

Feels so good to be writing again even if it is just a short blog entry. No obsessing about trying to find a way to make WP look pretty anymore. I can write without local, touchable support. I have you guys.

The Foodie in me proud!

2009-12-19T12:42:00.000-05:00

Only took four years but people don't back off when I bring in some of my cooking. I can finally be a part of pot-lucks without people backing off when they find out the food is by me.

Bloody morons.

So a 9x13 pan of Pineapple Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting was devoured. I think I am subscribing to the magazine that had the recipe that I found online. The cookies smuggled by people on other floors than mine. This wasn't really a pot-luck just me being passively aggressive. Lately I bake for my family and two weeks later the food is rotting on the counter/in fridge.

Unappreciative baboons.

Um oh there is that one time I brought my Pasta au Gratin for the Thanksgiving pot luck. One of the surgical residents called it "quickie lasagna" but that one was for a real pot-luck.

Options maybe?

2009-12-18T04:50:00.002-05:00

I love it when people comment and give me their two cents worth (or more if you want) because simply put it gives me options.

Thanks to Jayne I am going to check out other old free places to blog. I remember bookmarking them for just such cases too. LJ was my least favourite but I should give it the benefit of the doubt.

Now to find some word meters... wish I bookmarked those.

It isn't simple anymore

2009-12-17T02:37:00.005-05:00

I have noticed as I peruse the Internet even the people who have money don't use WP and hosting.

They often come here to Blogger.

I used to love WP and how simple it was to customize but thanks to hackers and such the simplicity has gone. I hate it. I can't get it the way I want and it is a hassle to add things even with the automated side bar. It's like I have to take a course of spend much of my little free time trying to figure it out. I am getting older people and it bores the crap out of me, I want to write not wrack my brains out.

Blogger is it and I wished I listened to all yous who suggested with just staying here. Accessible everywhere and no worries about security. Heck I feel more comfortable writing from work at blogger than my paid hosting.